


I got nothing here without you

by agent_of_marvel



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-03-21 11:59:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3691482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agent_of_marvel/pseuds/agent_of_marvel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky proceeds to have a small panic attack after yelling at Steve for his self destructive tendencies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I got nothing here without you

**Author's Note:**

> so idk what to write for the summary but yea, i have a big project coming soon! and this is just something to pass the time while I'm editing and what not on the project!

It was cold, too cold for mid July. It made Steve’s skin crawl with discomfort. Not just because he wasn’t a fan of the cold, reasons obvious, but because he had Bucky back, and Bucky hated the cold just as much as Steve, also for obvious reasons. 

Steve looked over to Bucky, who was sitting on the couch, Natasha between his legs on the ground, his hands carding through her hair. Though to the others, Bucky probably looked just as relaxed as them, but Steve knew that he was uncomfortable. 

If Steve felt too cold, he knew that Bucky probably felt even worse. 

He stood up and grabbed the blanket hanging off the back of the chair he was on and draped it over Bucky’s shoulders. None of the other Avengers seemed to notice, they all seemed too fixated on whether or not the blonde girl double-crossed the dude with the arm tattoo. Steve couldn’t care less about that though. All he cared about was making sure Bucky was ok.

That’s all he’s ever really cared about.

The second the blanket hit Bucky’s shoulders, his eyes met Steve’s and he was smiling. It wasn’t a big smile, but it didn’t matter. Any smile of Bucky’s could make Steve heart beat twice as fast. 

Bucky’s only been back for about three months and he’s not all that into talking. He’ll talk to Natasha in Russian, but that’s only if their making fun of him or Clint. When he does talk to Steve though, it’s usually his own opinion or what he wants to do for the day or if he needs help with something. All things that show that he’s getting better.

Steve knows that Bucky will never be the same, hell no one would be after seventy years of that, but he doesn’t care because he has Bucky back.

“I’m gonna head off to bed, guys.” Steve stretched and announced to the group of adults sprawled out on the floor. 

He was met with some mumbled ‘goodbyes’ some waves and, of course, a smile from Bucky. He walked to the elevator when he heard rustling behind him. Steve turned to see Bucky following behind him and he chuckled.

“Buck, you can stay if you want. JARVIS can just let you off at my floor when the movies done.” He smiled at Bucky, who just shook his head and stepped on to the elevator with Steve when it arrived. 

“Okay then.” He stepped in next to Bucky, “JARVIS, our floor please.” Saying ‘our floor’ seemed as average as saying anything else, but it still made Steve’s stomach flip. 

The ride to their floor was quiet, of course, but it was comfortable, then Bucky spoke.

“Thank you for the blanket.”

Steve nodded, “Welcome.”

“It was cold. I don’t like it when it’s cold.” Bucky said, looking straight ahead as the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened.

They walked into the open living room and kitchen, Bucky heading over to sit on the couch and Steve heading towards the kitchen. 

“Do you want anything to eat or drink? I barley ate at dinner.” Steve scoffed and rolled his eyes. “I don’t know why we always let Tony pick for take out night. I feel like he prides himself on finding the weirdest take out in the city.”

Bucky laughed quietly and walked over to the kitchen. He leaned against the counter next to the stove and watched Steve take out the ingredients to make Mac n Cheese. 

“Like, I get it, we all tried shawarma or whatever that one time after New York and it was good, I’m not gonna lie, but getting a pizza every once in a while wouldn’t hurt.” 

Bucky nodded along like he had an idea about what Steve was going on about. That’s another thing Steve really loved about having Bucky back. Even though he doesn’t talk as much, he still listens. Bucky used to do the same with him every few weeks in the winter when Steve would get so sick that he could barley talk. 

Bucky would go on these tangents about his mother ‘caring too much’ or the boys down at the docks. Sometimes even about a girl he’d just gone out with the night before. Steve would sit in the kitchen chair while Bucky made them some dinner, and he’d nod every few minutes or so to let Bucky know he was paying attention. Back then, Steve always paid attention to what ever Bucky was ranting about that day, and he likes to think that now, Bucky pays attention to what Steve is saying. 

“It’s warmer up here.” Bucky spoke softly as Steve poured two bowls and Mac n Cheese and handed on to Bucky, who was now sitting at the table.

“Yea, because the cold makes me feel anxious too. Being stuck in the ice for seventy years really does a number on you, I guess.” 

Bucky hummed along in agreement and took a bite of the food. It was only a few minutes before he spoke up again.

“I’m glad you got stuck.” He paused, opened his mouth to continue, closed it then opened it again, “I mean, I’m glad that we’re both here. Now. Together.”

Steve smiled and chuckled lightly, “I get what you mean, Buck. I’m glad I got stuck too.”

Bucky sat with pursed lips for a few minutes while Steve continues to eat. He finished before Bucky and was about to ask if he would like more when he noticed how uncomfortable Bucky looked.

“You okay Buck? Want me to turn up the heat?”

“No.” He bit his lip took a deep breath in and stood up. “Stay here.” 

Bucky stood up, ran down the hall and came back to the table with a pen and notepad, then started to write.

Steve watched with an amused smirk because of how hard Bucky was concentrating on what he was writing. His hand was moving a mile a minute as he filled up more than a page within a few minutes. 

Once he was done, he pushed the notebook towards Steve, “Read it.”

Steve nodded and took the notebook and began to read.

_Now I’ve been talking to Nat about how I should be talking more to you, and the others. I want to talk to you, I swear. But it’s hard trying to find the right words to say without taking a wrong turn and maybe accidentally triggering myself? I don’t know how that would happen but I was told if I had something important to say, but had trouble saying it, to write it down. So here we go._

_Steven Grant Rogers, I am not happy or glad that you went down and got stuck in the ice. You complete dumbass. I specifically told you not to do anything stupid while I was gone! That included me DYING Steve! I get it, there may have been no other way, but I am not one of those people that think you died heroically._

_I’m happy as hell that we are together again, but the fact that you did that in the first place still pisses me off._

Steve looked up from the paper, mouth slightly open and eyes wide. Bucky sat across from him with his arms crossed over his chest and his lips tight.

“I didn’t think..”

“Yea, you didn’t think.” Bucky spat out before reaching across the table and grabbing the pen and pad again.

“I’m really sorry, Buck. I didn’t really know what else to do.” Steve spoke quietly as Bucky continued to scribble away on the paper. “I mean, you were gone and..” 

Bucky’s head snapped up from the paper and he stared at Steve, wide eyed and huffed out a breath then continued on writing.  
After a few more minutes of nothing but the sound of pen on paper, Bucky handed the notepad back to Steve.

_You had so many things going for you pal, with you being America’s sweetheart and having a girl like Carter on your side. You could of done so much. Started a family, get a nice house and a dog! You’ve always wanted a dog!_

~~_You could of_~~ _HOW WAS THE FACT THAT I WAS GONE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!? I know, ‘best friends on the school yard and in the battle field’ or how ever the fuck that goes, but Stevie, you could of done so much more with your self._

Steve reread the note twice before putting it down on the table and looking right past Bucky. 

“The fact that you were gone had to do with everything, Bucky. You were all I had.” 

Bucky bit his lip and opened his mouth only to close it again. He stood up, ran a hand through his hair then looked towards Steve.

“So you threw everything away because you thought I died?” 

Steve rubbed the back of his neck, while Bucky started pacing waiting for Steve to answer. “Well, not really. Everything else just seemed pretty pointless without you there. So going down in the ice didn’t seem that drastic to me.”

Bucky stopped and stared at Steve. Both his metal and flesh hands on his hips. “Didn’t seem that drastic to you.” Bucky’s voice was cold, practically ran a chill down Steve’s spine.

“What would you consider drastic then? Hm? Standing in an exploding helicarrier while you let your best friend turned HYDRA assassin practically beat you to death! Or is that just a step below drastic for you Steve!?” Bucky’s heart was beating too fast for his liking and he felt like his throat was closing up. He stumbled back into the counter and gripped it tight, so tight that his metal hand was cracking the wooded counter top.

Steve flew out of his seat and slowly made his way over to Bucky, “Buck, look just,” Steve reached out and carefully placed one hand on Bucky’s right arm, “come sit on the couch with me.”

Bucky nodded and the two slowly made their way to the couch and sat down. Steve rubbed small, light circles into Bucky’s back as he practiced the breathing exercises Bruce had taught him when he first moved in. After ten minutes of silence, Steve rested his hand on Bucky’s lower back and sighed.

“I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“I have a hard time speaking. Now you see why.” Bucky replied, quietly, leaning into Steve’s touch. 

The two sat in silence for a few more minutes before Steve spoke again. “I’m sorry. I really am. It’s just,” He took in a deep breath, “having to go on without you hurt, but I also knew that that’s what you would of wanted me to do. So I could be happy. But I could never be totally happy unless I got you with me, Buck. Thought you knew that.”

Bucky roughly ran a hand through his hair and huffed out a breath. “I was always hoping you’d say that. Never thought I’d actually get to hear it.” 

Steve ran a hand up Bucky’s back and pulled him into his side. “Guess I wasn’t being as obvious as I thought I was. Peg could tell, she said it was the way I looked at you.” 

Bucky practically melted into Steve’s side and rested his head on Steve’s shoulder. “Shit Stevie, what’s wrong with us?” 

“Absolutely nothing.”

Bucky scoffed, “I’m callin’ bull shit pal.” 

“Well, it doesn’t matter then, as long as I got you with me Buck, the world could be ending and I would be okay.” 

“You’re such a sap.”

“Yup.”

Bucky looked up at Steve and smiled. Steve met Bucky’s eyes and leaned down, “Is this okay?” 

“Of course.” Bucky closed the distance and pressed his lips to Steve’s, smiling into the kiss. 

Steve pulled away, a blush on his cheeks and mumbled, “I love you.” Into Bucky’s hair.

“I know, Stevie. Me too.”


End file.
